The Horror of "Jumping the Shark"

I have a strange affinity for Horror films. As a little kid, I was always looking for something that would literally induce my childhood paranoia, all the while hating the dark as I was left alone with just pitch black silence. One of my earliest memories of this was being told to get ready for bed as my parents were to watch "Poltergeist." As luck would have it, my curiosity got the better of me as I heard the sounds of the eerie music creeping into my quiet bedroom. Naturally, as any other young boy would have done in my precarious position, I threw off my sheets and carefully crept out of my room, slunk down the hallway, and slithered behind the couch, avoiding my parents, and trying to capture the movie out of their peripheral vision. I joined the movie as a large tree fell on the main little girl killing her in the beginning of the film and I screamed like a baby, was discovered, and sent back to my quiet bedroom to go to sleep on my small twin-size bed placed next to my window which looked directly upon the tallest tree next to our house. I couldnt get to sleep. It wasnt fun then, but as I look back on it, its fun to be scared.

Which brings me to the plot of the latest installment of CHILD'S PLAY, SEED OF CHUCKY, and countless other horror films before it. I'm going to say this once and I hope those of you listening take heed: THE IDEA OF MAKING A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT CHARACTERS FROM THAT HORROR MOVIE AND HAVING THE CHARACTERS COME TO LIFE AND TERRORIZE THE ACTORS AND CREW IN THE "MOVIE-WITHIN-A-MOVIE" IS OLD, HACK, AND DOES NOT WORK!

Off the top of my head, Scream 3, Urban Legends 2, New Nightmare: Nightmare on Elm Street 7, and Seed of Chucky. There's probably more, but this list disgusts me to the point where I dont want to research more on this affront to cinema.

I can go into how horrible those ideas were for the other films (I never saw any of the Urban Legends films), but all of them combined couldnt compare to the travesty of SEED OF CHUCKY. The movie is so bad, it almost made me turn on a video camera so that I might film myself gouging out my eyes and severing my ears, replacing it with the movie footage, in the hopes that there might be something interesting to watch for those who rented the movie next.

In 1988, CHILD'S PLAY was a brilliant horror film for its time about a doll that is endowed with the soul of a killer. Far-fetched, but exciting.

In 1990, as a result of the movie's popularity, CHILD'S PLAY 2 was just as good, realizing that this doll just won't die.

Only one year later, CHILD'S PLAY 3 saw the main character sent to boot camp because people didnt believe his "murderous doll" story. The story was kind of weak and lines were laughable (A true sign that the series has run its course), but it had its moments.

A trilogy is worthwhile. It satisfies hardcore fans to the point we feel like we have explored the character enough.

However, seven years later, in 1997, I was excited to hear that BRIDE OF CHUCKY was being released. A new horror film for one of my favorite monsters. My friends and I laughed the entire movie. Hated it. The best part was when a man gets pushed in front of a truck and literally explodes. But thats not how Chucky kills people.

I had forgotten how bad this movie was when I rented its final 2004 sequel (I hope) nine years after this month.

Chucky and his bride have doll-sex and create a doll-baby who we meet as a ventriloquist act after having been separated from its "dead" parents. The doll, we come to find, wets its pants upon witnessing violence and is horrified by any acts of anger. The doll heads off to Hollywood to find its parents who are involved in the shooting of a MOVIE-WITHIN-A-MOVIE starring Jennifer Tilly and Redman. 'Nuff said. There were a couple of things that bothered me initially about the movie, but I tried to let them go, or suspend my disbelief. But when the doll-kid's pants were pulled down to reveal that it was unknown whether it was a girl or a boy, and a subplot was born in which the warring parents try to bring him up as their respective sex, and Chucky, a movie monster - A MOVIE MONSTER - IN SEVERAL HORROR FILMS - has the following dialogue after his doll-wife suggests that, since they are parents, they should set a good example and not murder people:

Glen (the doll-kid): But, isn't violence bad?
Chucky: No, son. "Violins." Violins are bad. That screeching music is gonna ruin the goddamn country."

THATS NOT FUNNY.

THATS CHUCKY. A BRILLIANT MOVIE MONSTER FROM THE LATE 80'S AND YOU KILLED HIM.

YOUR MOVIE HAD ONE GOOD DEATH SCENE.

THE PART WHERE YOU MADE CHUCKY SUCK!

IT'S LIKE YOU PUT HIM IN A WHITE FRILLY DRESS, INVITED HIM TO TEA TIME WITH YOUR 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, AND TOTALLY KILLED HIM.

I had to turn the movie off at that line. I was so disgusted with life. Maybe the rest was good. Maybe there was some nude woman to take your mind off the terrible dialogue. Maybe there was a great death scene to make you forget the puppetry took a 20 year step back. Maybe the climax of the movie makes you leave the theatre wanting to endure the life-wasting beginning.

Maybe not. I'll never know. And its a good thing because Chucky, inadvertently, almost had another victim: ME!